F*** YES, or no.

I read an article today that I LOVED, but I am hesitant to share it because of it's vulgar title (which the author admits to).  However, the ideas behind the article are fabulous and ones which I think every single person needs to hear.

The article is entitled "F**K YES or no," and is about the principle of being excited about relationships and life.  "There’s a grey area in dating many people get hung up on — a grey area where feelings are ambiguous or one person has stronger feelings than the other. This grey area causes real, tangible issues."
I am pretty confident in saying that we have ALL been in this grey area, where we are confused and don't know what to think or do. "Frustration with this grey area also drives many people to unnecessary manipulation, drama and game-playing." Now I could go on and on with my thoughts and ideas about game-playing and manipulation, but I'll save it for another post another day; BUT, if I do say anything, it will be that I despise "the game" and anything that stops you from being 100% yourself.  So, if the way you choose to handle being in this grey area does that-- prevents you from being absolutely yourself, then you need to stop, like ASAP.

Now here comes my favorite part from the article: "Let me ask again: Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you?" PRAISE JESUS HALLELUJAH!  I am so glad someone said this.  Even though I am a pretty unique individual, I know I am not alone in falling into this habit.  I am a fighter, I will never give-up on the person I want to be with, and I will do everything in my power to show him that we are right for each other and that he should be with me.  WHY WOULD I DO THAT?!  Now this is not to say that when the excitement in your marriage wanes, you peace out, because you should definitely fight for your marriage.  But if you're just talking about a friendship or dating (a less serious commitment than marriage), then you have every right to peace out.

More good stuff: "What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you?

You wouldn’t buy a dog that bites you all the time. And you wouldn’t be friends with someone who regularly ditches you. You wouldn’t work a job that doesn’t pay you. Then why the hell are you trying to make a girlfriend out of a woman who doesn’t want to date you? Where’s your self-respect?

The entrepreneur Derek Sivers once wrote a blog post where he said, “If I’m not saying ‘Hell Yeah!’ to something, then I say no.” It served him well in the business world and now I’d like to apply it to the dating world. And because I’m more of a vulgar a**hole than Derek is, I’ll christen mine The Law of “F*** Yes or No.” Doesn't this just make perfect sense? (not his title, he's just a lil crazy) There is a theory called "Social Exchange Theory," which basically says we only do things in life when we think we are going to get something out of it in return.  That is sort of what the author is saying here, and I do agree to an extent.  You should not put your all effort and energy into someone/something if you are not getting anything in return to keep you going.  You can only go so far before you run out of gas.  And it's not really about getting something in return, it's about self respect, as the author says.

"The Law of “F*** Yes or No” implies that both parties must be enthusiastic about the prospect of one another’s company. Why? Because attractive, non-needy (I HATE this term!!!), high self-worth people don’t have time for people who they are not excited to be with and who are not excited to be with them.This may sound a bit idealistic to some. But The Law of “F*** Yes or No” has many tangible benefits on your dating life:

1. No longer be strung along by people who aren’t that into you. End all of the headaches. End the wishing and hoping. End the disappoint and anger that inevitably follows. Start practicing self-respect. Become the rejector, not the rejected." NOT ON PURPOSE THOUGH, PLEASE! Still be nice, don't just go around flipping the bird to everyone you meet just because you can finally be the rejector.
2. No longer pursue people you are so-so on for ego purposes. We’ve all been there. We were so-so about somebody, but we went along with it because nothing better was around. And we all have a few we’d like to take back. No more.
3. Consent issues are instantly resolved. If someone is playing games with you, playing hard to get, or pressuring you into doing something you’re unsure about, your answer is now easy. 
4. Establish strong personal boundaries and enforce them. Maintaining strong boundaries not only makes one more confident and attractive, but also helps to preserve one’s sanity in the long-run.
5. Always know where you stand with the other person. Since you’re now freeing up so much time and energy from people you’re not that into, and people who are not that into you, you now find yourself perpetually in interactions where people’s intentions are clear and enthusiastic. Sweet!"
   
   
   Sounds great, right?  It makes sense to me!  Now, this isn't turning into a "Yes Man" like Jim Carrey, but it's being honest with yourself and with others, and not wasting your time.  To conclude the article, the author makes some great points.

"But the real beauty of The Law of “F*** Yes or No” is that it simplifies the problems you can have in your dating life. When applying the Law of “F*** Yes or No,” there are really only two problems one can have.

The first problem is people who never feel a “F*** Yes” for anybody they meet. If you are lukewarm on absolutely everyone you meet, then either your demographics are way off, or you suffer from a lack of vulnerability and are protecting yourself by remaining indifferent and unenthused by all of those around you.  Remember, it’s your job to look for something cool in everyone you meet; it’s not their job to show you. LOVE THIS IDEA! This is life, not a sales convention. Learning to appreciate people you meet is a skill you cultivate. So get on it. This doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with everyone who breathes in your direction. It just means you need to take responsibility for your ability to connect with the people you are meeting. The love of your life isn't going to appear out of thin air and have neon Vegas signs pointing to his/her head saying "I'M THE ONE!"  You need to be able to seek people out, and see the good in them, and make the decision for yourself.

The second problem is people who never meet others who feel a “F*** Yes” for them.  AKA me, no one ever wants me :( If all of the people you pursue give you a mild responses, or outright rejections, then it’s time to focus on improving yourself. Ask yourself, what is it about yourself that would inspire others to say “F*** Yes” about you? If the answer is not obvious, then you get to work. Build yourself into a person others would say “F*** Yes” to. This I struggle with, probably because it's true and I don't want to change!  I'm not sure what isn't awesome about me, because I think I'm pretty cool.  However, I do know that there is always room for self improvement, and that when the time is right, there will be someone who will say "F*** YES! HALEIGH, MARRY ME!"

And this is the ultimate dating advice lesson — man, woman, gay, straight, trans, furry (WHAT?!), whatever — the only real dating advice is self improvement. Everything else is a distraction, a futile battle in the grey area, a prolonged ego trip. Because, yes, with the right tools and performance, you may be able to con somebody into sleeping with you, dating you, even marrying you. But you will have won the battle by sacrificing the war, the war of long-term happiness."

Pretty good read, huh?  I really liked it, especially the beginning and the end.  Oh and the stuff in the middle, too.  It gave me the boost I needed to have more confidence going forward into the dating world.

And for the married folks out there, strive to see the good in your spouse and get excited about him/her.  Remember back to a time when you were shouting from the rooftops, "F*** YES! I LOVE THIS PERSON!"  Look at photos, read notes, texts, etc.  Don't let the excitement fade!

http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes